Waiting in Vain

Waiting the act of  remaining inactive in one place while expecting something or stay in one place and anticipate.  Being in this kind of situation makes me feel that I am totally ignored and taken for granted.  It is hard to be on this dilemma as it gives you tons of mixed emotions that you do not want to feel.  If you are asking me if this is about waiting in vain for love, then you are absolutely right!  It has been few weeks since Handsome Nurse confessed his feelings towards me that he loves me as much as I love him.  He told me that I am the girl that he have been waiting for.  Someone who will understand and accept him as who and what he is.  I was surprised on what he told me and overwhelmed with the powerful emotion that I never thought coming.  I did not expect that my love for him will be reciprocated, it took me by surprise.

However, as we have this sort of agreement that I-belong-to-him-and-he-belongs-to-me drama, things changed.  He began to be so possessive, jealous, sensitive and wants to be pampered all the time.  It is fine with me because I love to please the people that I love.  But there is this aching feeling that I do not want– the waiting in vain drama.  As you see, we are on a long distance relationship and to strengthen the bond and keeping the love burning is so difficult and stressful.  I do not know if I have the right to feel this way or it is just me feeling super sensitive that he just love me because he needs me.   I know he is sincere when he told me that he values my importance and existence in his life but I cannot help but sometimes doubt what he said.

I know that he is completely busy and got a hectic schedule with his job abroad but there are times when we chat, he suddenly logs out without saying goodbye.   It happened a couple of times way back we are still friends and I just ignored the feeling of being deserted because I do not have the right to nag since we are just buddies.  But now, in our first official relationship, my heart aches for pain and I want to sulk.  I want to nag and despise him for doing that to me.  I want to give up the relationship we have and forget everything about him.  I want to shout at the top of my lungs that I hate him for making me feel this way, like a total crap who doesn’t deserve his care, time and love.  He may frequently told me that he loves me every now and then but I don’t know, a million ache still pricks in my heart.

I do not know what future lies ahead of us as we are not talking on when he flies here in my place though we talked about our plans in the future but in a frivolous way.  Dang~ I hate to wait and see what happens next.  Am I just feeling paranoid? It has been three days [hope not counting] that we do not have a proper communication.  Guess, I won’t dwell on this much as it will just give me the stress and hurt my fragile heart big time! geez  😦 Hope I can survive this complicated relationship that I am into.

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